I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
