Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
