at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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