Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
