And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
