actually, I'm a sock model
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
