Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Life is so much better after having sex.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
