omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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