When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
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