just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
