what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
