Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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