Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
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my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
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I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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