who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
