I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
