apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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