Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
