you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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