I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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