Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
