Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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