Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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