i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
