I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Come share oat with me in your robe
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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