I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
