im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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