i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i think i just lost a toe
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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