It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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