My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
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