I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
