All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
