and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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