This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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