I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
