so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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