Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
