yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
