I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
