we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
