I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
