Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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