The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
