Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
