dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize