You're completely useless in the revolution.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
