I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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