youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
