Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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