the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
