Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
