I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
