i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
