Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
