The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
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You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
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Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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