and you said cock pushups were impossible
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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