weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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