Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
