I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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