I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
