I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
