as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
